My Work as Practice

As I continue in this process of learning about the 14 mindfulness trainings I think it will be very important for me to continuously remind myself that I am contemplating these trainings for the benefit of others as opposed to working towards some kind of achievement for myself. I have strong habit energies--something that others and even I label as compulsiveness--towards focusing on getting things done, which make it very easy for me to fall into the trap of achievement.

What I am finding is that the most challenging aspect of my life right now is my professional career. It is challenging because I am learning new aspects of education and of leadership. However, more importantly I am learning how to see myself and my work in a positive way even when my students do not. This is my first experience in having my worth as an educator and as a human being questioned continuously by adult learners. The truth is that I am not very comfortable or confident in my new position. Adults can sense that easily and, without deliberateness, take advantage of that. I realize that perhaps next year, I will feel more confident in my position so it may become a non-issue. On another side of things, I know that I frequently take longer than others to process information so I think that I might appear unsure or not confident to others as I figure things out in front of them. My guess is that even with more experience this may not change much.

I have difficulty comprehending what to do with their criticisms. I understand that they, the program they are in, and I are not separate, but I still don't know how to respond appropriately. I feel very confused when I try to figure out if they are upset at the program, upset at themselves, or if there is really something that I am doing that is upsetting them. I have been unable to simply ask them that in a way they are able to answer. It also may be that there is just not enough trust present to do that.

With this in mind, the eleventh of the fourteen mindfulness trainings takes on special meaning to me. I have chosen the vocation of education. I feel strongly that I am doing very little harm in this vocation compared to others. My employer, the Teton Science Schools, is of course doing some harm because we consume vast amounts of resources. However, we take many steps to minimize our impact on the planet. Could we do more: yes. As an educator I take a vow of doing no harm to my students, the same oath that a doctor takes. I know that I am doing no harm and that I am going into my job with love, understanding, and compassion for my students. But for my particular job that has not been enough.

Some clarification may be needed here. My current job is less of being an educator than being an organizer and a mentor. I fugue out logistics and help the graduate students make decisions about their teaching. Then, I observe them teaching and give them feedback. So I am always trying to balance giving the graduate students the information they need, without telling them what they can and cannot do. I don't feel that I have balanced that very well.

I have found myself feeling taking advantage of, ridiculed, and disrespected. This has eroded my confidence in doing what I do, which has only served to make matters worse. Moreover, it has lessened my love and compassion for my students and for the work that I am doing. I am not very happy doing what I am doing. However, the rare opportunities that I get to actually teach are wonderful. Those are the moments that I really love what I am doing and feel so much compassion for others.

I want to feel compassion for others who are kind to me and to those who are nasty to me, without distinction.
And so my job as a professional mentor/ teaching coach is nothing, but my practice.As one of my teachers suggested, I want to be like falling rain. Rain falls indiscriminately on the land below it. It is water, which always travels the path of least resistance; it does not force doing something, it simply flows where it must. Rain is also not separate from the clouds it falls from or the puddles that it pools in or the plants and soil that absorb it.

That is one thing that I think I need to be able to do in order to be Ordained. I need to be like falling rain.

As the Rain Falls,

Sam

Welcome to Dharma Chat!

This blog is intended for individuals who would like to share their experiences, insights, and questions about the Dharma. All are welcome.

Namaste,

Sam