The Foot at My Back

Almost two years ago I was asked to think about "whose foot was at my back". This question was asked in reference to the compulsive nature in which I had been pursing things in my life. I finally have an answer to this question.

The foot is named fear. It is the fear of failure. It is the fear of failing at a life long relationship that I witnessed happening to my parents. It is the fear of failing to find a life's work that does more than just pay the bills, which I still see my father doing. It is the fear of failing to do more than to just live up to the name that I have been given from my great-grandfather. He was a brilliant and kind man, but failed at pursuing his dreams. It is a failure of repeating the cycle and letting my family down.

Having become aware of these fears I have held them in mindfulness. I know that I am NOT destined to make the same choices as my parents, grandparents and great-grandparents. I will NOT have the same fate as them. I have also seen how this seed of fear has ripened in me over the years mentally and physically as anxiety and tension. I have also begun to transform this fear.

The word fear can so easily become the word ear, by only dropping the f from it. This ear is the ear of deep listening. Deep listening to my mind and body.

A lotus to you, a Buddha to be,

Sam

Personal Practice

Thus far my entries on this site have been focused on my practice as it relates to my professional life. One of my Dharma teachers asked me to think about the practice as it relates to the romantic relationships in my life. That was a very good question to ask.

During the year I was so focused on my job that I really did not devote any time to look deeply into my feelings that surfaced about the romantic relationship I was in. One of the emotions that I had been feeling for a long time was doubt. The other was a lack of sexual motivation. I had hoped both of those would just go away with time. I thought that about the doubt because we had moved things along in our relationship very quickly. So, I thought I just needed some time to catch up. I thought that about the lack of sexual motivation because I convinced myself that it was just because of stress from my job; that it didn’t have anything directly to do with the person with whom I was having a relationship. Upon looking deeply at those two things I realized how intimately connected they were.

Even though she and I were living together I had still not really made a long-term commitment to her in my heart. The reasons for this, I think, goes back a long way into my past. I have recently recognized a pattern that I get into with romantic relationships; over the past 4-5 years they have been motivated by loneliness, craving, and desire. Also, since the first time I feel in love almost 8 years ago, I have been very unsure of my ability to know if I have found a good person for me. I have been very guarded about being hurt again, so I really don’t give myself to the relationship like I did when I first fell in love—I have not been able or capable of falling in love. Going further back, I realized that I have a lot of fear about hurting another person or breaking a commitment to them because of the fact that my father had an affair while married to my mother and latter divorced her.

I knew that my reluctance to make a commitment and really devote myself to the relationship with my partner this year meant that I should better think deeply about whether or not I was following the 14^th Mindfulness Training. I realized that I was not and that my body had known this for a long time in its lack of sexual motivation. I have had some wonderful conversations about all of this with Jeff (my Dharma teacher in Idaho), with my parents, with friends, with Kristine (a local Sangha member), and with a monk (Brother Tree) at the Estes Park retreat.

The retreat was amazing. Without Thay’s physical presence the monastic community stepped up in a beautiful way. The power of the Sangha was felt very deeply. Thay’s continuation was very strong. The retreat opened up a lot of things for me. As Jeff puts it, I became aware of my knots along the string of Interbeing. I decided that I really needed to devote some energy towards caring for those knots. I think when I do that I will be able to be more present with myself, listen better to myself, and love myself more deeply. Once I have done that I will be able to engage in a romantic relationship with someone at the deep level that I want to.

I ended the romantic relationship with my partner. It was difficult, but now I feel much more centered, open, honest with myself, and free. She is hurt deeply and I am trying to give her space.

Over the past month I have looked deeper at myself than I ever have before. So much has been coming up. I have created a lot of openness with myself. It is so wonderful to bring all of this into my awareness and hold it with mindfulness. I feel a real transformation taking place.

As the rain falls,

Sam