Almost two years ago I was asked to think about "whose foot was at my back". This question was asked in reference to the compulsive nature in which I had been pursing things in my life. I finally have an answer to this question.
The foot is named fear. It is the fear of failure. It is the fear of failing at a life long relationship that I witnessed happening to my parents. It is the fear of failing to find a life's work that does more than just pay the bills, which I still see my father doing. It is the fear of failing to do more than to just live up to the name that I have been given from my great-grandfather. He was a brilliant and kind man, but failed at pursuing his dreams. It is a failure of repeating the cycle and letting my family down.
Having become aware of these fears I have held them in mindfulness. I know that I am NOT destined to make the same choices as my parents, grandparents and great-grandparents. I will NOT have the same fate as them. I have also seen how this seed of fear has ripened in me over the years mentally and physically as anxiety and tension. I have also begun to transform this fear.
The word fear can so easily become the word ear, by only dropping the f from it. This ear is the ear of deep listening. Deep listening to my mind and body.
A lotus to you, a Buddha to be,
Sam
Monday, September 28, 2009
Personal Practice
Thus far my entries on this site have been focused on my practice as it relates to my professional life. One of my Dharma teachers asked me to think about the practice as it relates to the romantic relationships in my life. That was a very good question to ask.
During the year I was so focused on my job that I really did not devote any time to look deeply into my feelings that surfaced about the romantic relationship I was in. One of the emotions that I had been feeling for a long time was doubt. The other was a lack of sexual motivation. I had hoped both of those would just go away with time. I thought that about the doubt because we had moved things along in our relationship very quickly. So, I thought I just needed some time to catch up. I thought that about the lack of sexual motivation because I convinced myself that it was just because of stress from my job; that it didn’t have anything directly to do with the person with whom I was having a relationship. Upon looking deeply at those two things I realized how intimately connected they were.
Even though she and I were living together I had still not really made a long-term commitment to her in my heart. The reasons for this, I think, goes back a long way into my past. I have recently recognized a pattern that I get into with romantic relationships; over the past 4-5 years they have been motivated by loneliness, craving, and desire. Also, since the first time I feel in love almost 8 years ago, I have been very unsure of my ability to know if I have found a good person for me. I have been very guarded about being hurt again, so I really don’t give myself to the relationship like I did when I first fell in love—I have not been able or capable of falling in love. Going further back, I realized that I have a lot of fear about hurting another person or breaking a commitment to them because of the fact that my father had an affair while married to my mother and latter divorced her.
I knew that my reluctance to make a commitment and really devote myself to the relationship with my partner this year meant that I should better think deeply about whether or not I was following the 14th Mindfulness Training. I realized that I was not and that my body had known this for a long time in its lack of sexual motivation. I have had some wonderful conversations about all of this with Jeff (my Dharma teacher in Idaho), with my parents, with friends, with Kristine (a local Sangha member), and with a monk (Brother Tree) at the Estes Park retreat.
The retreat was amazing. Without Thay’s physical presence the monastic community stepped up in a beautiful way. The power of the Sangha was felt very deeply. Thay’s continuation was very strong. The retreat opened up a lot of things for me. As Jeff puts it, I became aware of my knots along the string of Interbeing. I decided that I really needed to devote some energy towards caring for those knots. I think when I do that I will be able to be more present with myself, listen better to myself, and love myself more deeply. Once I have done that I will be able to engage in a romantic relationship with someone at the deep level that I want to.
I ended the romantic relationship with my partner. It was difficult, but now I feel much more centered, open, honest with myself, and free. She is hurt deeply and I am trying to give her space.
Over the past month I have looked deeper at myself than I ever have before. So much has been coming up. I have created a lot of openness with myself. It is so wonderful to bring all of this into my awareness and hold it with mindfulness. I feel a real transformation taking place.
As the rain falls,
Sam
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Turning the Wheel
I finished reading part one of The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching this afternoon. This section was focused on the four noble truths. While reading about the four noble truths this time it become more clear to me than ever before how interdependent they are with each other and with the rest of the teachings of Buddhism.
As I was trail running yesterday I was struck by how Thay described the realization stage of the Second Noble Truth as "when I am hungry, I eat. When I tired, I sleep." As I was running I noticed that my breathing was happening effortlessly. Although I was running quite quickly this time my breathing was not labored as usual, but quite slow and easy. I remembered that my father has given me the advice to eat when I was hungry and sleep when I was tired for as long as I can remember. However, I never thought about it as being part of the dharma until that moment. It is clear to me that being aware of what your body needs--not just physical nourishment, but all kinds of nourishment--is no different than deep listening and right diligence. It's the stone falling effortlessly to the bottom of the pond, a river flowing to the ocean, or rain falling from the sky. This is also no different from the struggles I have been having with my graduate students. I have not been listening deeply enough to them in order to know what it is that they need. I have been trying so hard to do my job the best that I can that I missed the crucial step of deep listening and right diligence.
Thay's choice of using nirvana as the third dharma seal along with impermanence and interdependence (nonself) was also very interesting for me. I can see how touching nirvana becomes possible by living with acceptance and understanding of impermanence and nonself. I can also see how suffering arises from living without acceptance and understanding of impermanence and nonself. Thay's choice to use nirvana instead of suffering allows us to focus on the practice of touching our suffering without falling into the trap of seeing all things as suffering.
As the Rain Falls,
Sam
As I was trail running yesterday I was struck by how Thay described the realization stage of the Second Noble Truth as "when I am hungry, I eat. When I tired, I sleep." As I was running I noticed that my breathing was happening effortlessly. Although I was running quite quickly this time my breathing was not labored as usual, but quite slow and easy. I remembered that my father has given me the advice to eat when I was hungry and sleep when I was tired for as long as I can remember. However, I never thought about it as being part of the dharma until that moment. It is clear to me that being aware of what your body needs--not just physical nourishment, but all kinds of nourishment--is no different than deep listening and right diligence. It's the stone falling effortlessly to the bottom of the pond, a river flowing to the ocean, or rain falling from the sky. This is also no different from the struggles I have been having with my graduate students. I have not been listening deeply enough to them in order to know what it is that they need. I have been trying so hard to do my job the best that I can that I missed the crucial step of deep listening and right diligence.
Thay's choice of using nirvana as the third dharma seal along with impermanence and interdependence (nonself) was also very interesting for me. I can see how touching nirvana becomes possible by living with acceptance and understanding of impermanence and nonself. I can also see how suffering arises from living without acceptance and understanding of impermanence and nonself. Thay's choice to use nirvana instead of suffering allows us to focus on the practice of touching our suffering without falling into the trap of seeing all things as suffering.
As the Rain Falls,
Sam
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Softening
Something has softened over the last few days. I don't know if it was caused by some wonderful conversations I had with my co workers, my own reflections, a few moments of being real with my students, a couple focused sits, a conversation with an old friend, or the stress of my students lessening a bit. My guess is that it was a combination of all of those things. Regardless, I feel more at peace with the current state of my job and life.
I had really gotten into a negative spiral of emotions that was holding me down. The power our emotions can have over us, and how they can affect is quite amazing. Once once negative seed is watered and manifests into our mind consciousness it becomes so much easier for other negative seeds to be watered and manifested. In fact, they are probably watered at the same time as the initial seed was and just took longer to manifest.
I have been reading little bits of Thay's book, Understanding Our Mind over the last couple of months. I finished the first section on Store Consciousness a few nights ago. I was struck by the last verse in that section which focuses on Great Mirror Wisdom, when our store consciousness reflects reality as it really is. That part caught my attention because a large part of my job is to be a mirror for my students. I am supposed to be able to help them reflect on their experiences by showing them what they did and by making their own thoughts and emotions more visible to them. That is a very difficult thing to do because all to often my students are caught in their emotions, as I am at times, and cannot see what actually happened. They sometimes think they did a perfect job and cannot accept hearing things that suggest otherwise. Other times they believe they did a bad job and cannot accept hearing that they did a good job.
So being a mirror of reality for my students is more than just reflecting what is. It requires knowing them at some deep level so I figure out how they need to hear things so that those observations are beneficial for them. I guess this doesn't differ all that much from the practice of Shinning Light. Sharing truth is of no use unless there is a situation and relationship already in place to facilitates truth being heard and accepted.
As the Rain Falls,
Sam
I had really gotten into a negative spiral of emotions that was holding me down. The power our emotions can have over us, and how they can affect is quite amazing. Once once negative seed is watered and manifests into our mind consciousness it becomes so much easier for other negative seeds to be watered and manifested. In fact, they are probably watered at the same time as the initial seed was and just took longer to manifest.
I have been reading little bits of Thay's book, Understanding Our Mind over the last couple of months. I finished the first section on Store Consciousness a few nights ago. I was struck by the last verse in that section which focuses on Great Mirror Wisdom, when our store consciousness reflects reality as it really is. That part caught my attention because a large part of my job is to be a mirror for my students. I am supposed to be able to help them reflect on their experiences by showing them what they did and by making their own thoughts and emotions more visible to them. That is a very difficult thing to do because all to often my students are caught in their emotions, as I am at times, and cannot see what actually happened. They sometimes think they did a perfect job and cannot accept hearing things that suggest otherwise. Other times they believe they did a bad job and cannot accept hearing that they did a good job.
So being a mirror of reality for my students is more than just reflecting what is. It requires knowing them at some deep level so I figure out how they need to hear things so that those observations are beneficial for them. I guess this doesn't differ all that much from the practice of Shinning Light. Sharing truth is of no use unless there is a situation and relationship already in place to facilitates truth being heard and accepted.
As the Rain Falls,
Sam
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Joyfully Together
While the books I chose to read and comment on first for my 14 mindfulness trainings studies have been in the mail I read Joyfully Together by Thich Nhat Hanh. There was particular significance for me in the story of how the Buddha told a horse trainer what he did when a monk or nun was unteachable. He told the horse trainer that he "killed" that particular monk on nun, which meant that they were asked to leave the Sangha. The point of this story was to illustrate how loving kindness is not always gentle.
I think that I have probably been too gentle with my students at times. I have let them take advantage of me and treat me rudely without rebuking them for that. I thought that I was being patient and compassionate towards them, but in reality I was probably injuring our relationship and their relationships with others as well as the community as a whole. I think I was afraid that the constructive criticism I could give them would not be done skillfully enough for them to learn from it. So, it comes down to an issue of me trusting myself.
There were many other sections of this book that provided clarity for me regarding my relationships with my students. The 17 points of reflection could not have better articulated many of the problems I have had with some of my students. It is clear that the first Sangha of the Buddha had the same issues as the community of teachers I am working with.
A couple of the practices mentioned in the book are very applicable to my students, such as Shinning Light and the Second Body system. I will be very careful about using the Shinning Light practice becasue I see that the time and the atmosphere must be right for that practice to be a positive experience. The Second Body system although seems to be something that I could begin to employ immediately.
As the rain falls,
Sam
I think that I have probably been too gentle with my students at times. I have let them take advantage of me and treat me rudely without rebuking them for that. I thought that I was being patient and compassionate towards them, but in reality I was probably injuring our relationship and their relationships with others as well as the community as a whole. I think I was afraid that the constructive criticism I could give them would not be done skillfully enough for them to learn from it. So, it comes down to an issue of me trusting myself.
There were many other sections of this book that provided clarity for me regarding my relationships with my students. The 17 points of reflection could not have better articulated many of the problems I have had with some of my students. It is clear that the first Sangha of the Buddha had the same issues as the community of teachers I am working with.
A couple of the practices mentioned in the book are very applicable to my students, such as Shinning Light and the Second Body system. I will be very careful about using the Shinning Light practice becasue I see that the time and the atmosphere must be right for that practice to be a positive experience. The Second Body system although seems to be something that I could begin to employ immediately.
As the rain falls,
Sam
The Scariest Thing
Upon reflecting more on my feelings regarding my job I realize that I am just not being present with my students. Sam is not really there. Rather, it is just someone who is stepping through the motions of figuring out logistics and getting things done. There is not really any passion or heart in what I have been doing. I have been so preoccupied with making sure that everything gets done, that I have neglected the most important aspect of my job--the people aspect. And in doing so I have neglected Sam.
When I ask myself why I have found myself in this situation there is only one answer that rings loud and clear from within me: fear. I am afraid that if I open myself up to hear what my students are really feeling I will inevitably expose my own true feelings to them, which at this point are not very favorable. I also fear that they will reject me as a mentor and become hostile as they have in the past during the year. So I have resorted to silence to protect myself. However, it is clear that there is no protection found in silence, only suffering.
The answer to this predicament then is real, open, honest dialogue. I still struggle though with how it initiate this from the place I am in now. I feel as though I have dug a deep hole for myself that I need a tall latter to get out of. So what's the first rung? I know that it is my responsibility to initiate this needed conversation, but how do I do so without jeopardizing an already tenuous mentoring relationship I have with my students? Do I start by just telling them my fear?
Perhaps the first rung of the latter has already been climbed since I am aware of this.
As the rain falls,
Sam
When I ask myself why I have found myself in this situation there is only one answer that rings loud and clear from within me: fear. I am afraid that if I open myself up to hear what my students are really feeling I will inevitably expose my own true feelings to them, which at this point are not very favorable. I also fear that they will reject me as a mentor and become hostile as they have in the past during the year. So I have resorted to silence to protect myself. However, it is clear that there is no protection found in silence, only suffering.
The answer to this predicament then is real, open, honest dialogue. I still struggle though with how it initiate this from the place I am in now. I feel as though I have dug a deep hole for myself that I need a tall latter to get out of. So what's the first rung? I know that it is my responsibility to initiate this needed conversation, but how do I do so without jeopardizing an already tenuous mentoring relationship I have with my students? Do I start by just telling them my fear?
Perhaps the first rung of the latter has already been climbed since I am aware of this.
As the rain falls,
Sam
Sunday, June 21, 2009
My Work as Practice
As I continue in this process of learning about the 14 mindfulness trainings I think it will be very important for me to continuously remind myself that I am contemplating these trainings for the benefit of others as opposed to working towards some kind of achievement for myself. I have strong habit energies--something that others and even I label as compulsiveness--towards focusing on getting things done, which make it very easy for me to fall into the trap of achievement.
What I am finding is that the most challenging aspect of my life right now is my professional career. It is challenging because I am learning new aspects of education and of leadership. However, more importantly I am learning how to see myself and my work in a positive way even when my students do not. This is my first experience in having my worth as an educator and as a human being questioned continuously by adult learners. The truth is that I am not very comfortable or confident in my new position. Adults can sense that easily and, without deliberateness, take advantage of that. I realize that perhaps next year, I will feel more confident in my position so it may become a non-issue. On another side of things, I know that I frequently take longer than others to process information so I think that I might appear unsure or not confident to others as I figure things out in front of them. My guess is that even with more experience this may not change much.
I have difficulty comprehending what to do with their criticisms. I understand that they, the program they are in, and I are not separate, but I still don't know how to respond appropriately. I feel very confused when I try to figure out if they are upset at the program, upset at themselves, or if there is really something that I am doing that is upsetting them. I have been unable to simply ask them that in a way they are able to answer. It also may be that there is just not enough trust present to do that.
With this in mind, the eleventh of the fourteen mindfulness trainings takes on special meaning to me. I have chosen the vocation of education. I feel strongly that I am doing very little harm in this vocation compared to others. My employer, the Teton Science Schools, is of course doing some harm because we consume vast amounts of resources. However, we take many steps to minimize our impact on the planet. Could we do more: yes. As an educator I take a vow of doing no harm to my students, the same oath that a doctor takes. I know that I am doing no harm and that I am going into my job with love, understanding, and compassion for my students. But for my particular job that has not been enough.
Some clarification may be needed here. My current job is less of being an educator than being an organizer and a mentor. I fugue out logistics and help the graduate students make decisions about their teaching. Then, I observe them teaching and give them feedback. So I am always trying to balance giving the graduate students the information they need, without telling them what they can and cannot do. I don't feel that I have balanced that very well.
I have found myself feeling taking advantage of, ridiculed, and disrespected. This has eroded my confidence in doing what I do, which has only served to make matters worse. Moreover, it has lessened my love and compassion for my students and for the work that I am doing. I am not very happy doing what I am doing. However, the rare opportunities that I get to actually teach are wonderful. Those are the moments that I really love what I am doing and feel so much compassion for others.
I want to feel compassion for others who are kind to me and to those who are nasty to me, without distinction.
And so my job as a professional mentor/ teaching coach is nothing, but my practice.As one of my teachers suggested, I want to be like falling rain. Rain falls indiscriminately on the land below it. It is water, which always travels the path of least resistance; it does not force doing something, it simply flows where it must. Rain is also not separate from the clouds it falls from or the puddles that it pools in or the plants and soil that absorb it.
That is one thing that I think I need to be able to do in order to be Ordained. I need to be like falling rain.
As the Rain Falls,
Sam
What I am finding is that the most challenging aspect of my life right now is my professional career. It is challenging because I am learning new aspects of education and of leadership. However, more importantly I am learning how to see myself and my work in a positive way even when my students do not. This is my first experience in having my worth as an educator and as a human being questioned continuously by adult learners. The truth is that I am not very comfortable or confident in my new position. Adults can sense that easily and, without deliberateness, take advantage of that. I realize that perhaps next year, I will feel more confident in my position so it may become a non-issue. On another side of things, I know that I frequently take longer than others to process information so I think that I might appear unsure or not confident to others as I figure things out in front of them. My guess is that even with more experience this may not change much.
I have difficulty comprehending what to do with their criticisms. I understand that they, the program they are in, and I are not separate, but I still don't know how to respond appropriately. I feel very confused when I try to figure out if they are upset at the program, upset at themselves, or if there is really something that I am doing that is upsetting them. I have been unable to simply ask them that in a way they are able to answer. It also may be that there is just not enough trust present to do that.
With this in mind, the eleventh of the fourteen mindfulness trainings takes on special meaning to me. I have chosen the vocation of education. I feel strongly that I am doing very little harm in this vocation compared to others. My employer, the Teton Science Schools, is of course doing some harm because we consume vast amounts of resources. However, we take many steps to minimize our impact on the planet. Could we do more: yes. As an educator I take a vow of doing no harm to my students, the same oath that a doctor takes. I know that I am doing no harm and that I am going into my job with love, understanding, and compassion for my students. But for my particular job that has not been enough.
Some clarification may be needed here. My current job is less of being an educator than being an organizer and a mentor. I fugue out logistics and help the graduate students make decisions about their teaching. Then, I observe them teaching and give them feedback. So I am always trying to balance giving the graduate students the information they need, without telling them what they can and cannot do. I don't feel that I have balanced that very well.
I have found myself feeling taking advantage of, ridiculed, and disrespected. This has eroded my confidence in doing what I do, which has only served to make matters worse. Moreover, it has lessened my love and compassion for my students and for the work that I am doing. I am not very happy doing what I am doing. However, the rare opportunities that I get to actually teach are wonderful. Those are the moments that I really love what I am doing and feel so much compassion for others.
I want to feel compassion for others who are kind to me and to those who are nasty to me, without distinction.
And so my job as a professional mentor/ teaching coach is nothing, but my practice.As one of my teachers suggested, I want to be like falling rain. Rain falls indiscriminately on the land below it. It is water, which always travels the path of least resistance; it does not force doing something, it simply flows where it must. Rain is also not separate from the clouds it falls from or the puddles that it pools in or the plants and soil that absorb it.
That is one thing that I think I need to be able to do in order to be Ordained. I need to be like falling rain.
As the Rain Falls,
Sam
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Welcome to Dharma Chat!
This blog is intended for individuals who would like to share their experiences, insights, and questions about the Dharma. All are welcome.
Namaste,
Sam
Namaste,
Sam
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