Upon reflecting more on my feelings regarding my job I realize that I am just not being present with my students. Sam is not really there. Rather, it is just someone who is stepping through the motions of figuring out logistics and getting things done. There is not really any passion or heart in what I have been doing. I have been so preoccupied with making sure that everything gets done, that I have neglected the most important aspect of my job--the people aspect. And in doing so I have neglected Sam.
When I ask myself why I have found myself in this situation there is only one answer that rings loud and clear from within me: fear. I am afraid that if I open myself up to hear what my students are really feeling I will inevitably expose my own true feelings to them, which at this point are not very favorable. I also fear that they will reject me as a mentor and become hostile as they have in the past during the year. So I have resorted to silence to protect myself. However, it is clear that there is no protection found in silence, only suffering.
The answer to this predicament then is real, open, honest dialogue. I still struggle though with how it initiate this from the place I am in now. I feel as though I have dug a deep hole for myself that I need a tall latter to get out of. So what's the first rung? I know that it is my responsibility to initiate this needed conversation, but how do I do so without jeopardizing an already tenuous mentoring relationship I have with my students? Do I start by just telling them my fear?
Perhaps the first rung of the latter has already been climbed since I am aware of this.
As the rain falls,
Sam
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