Almost two years ago I was asked to think about "whose foot was at my back". This question was asked in reference to the compulsive nature in which I had been pursing things in my life. I finally have an answer to this question.
The foot is named fear. It is the fear of failure. It is the fear of failing at a life long relationship that I witnessed happening to my parents. It is the fear of failing to find a life's work that does more than just pay the bills, which I still see my father doing. It is the fear of failing to do more than to just live up to the name that I have been given from my great-grandfather. He was a brilliant and kind man, but failed at pursuing his dreams. It is a failure of repeating the cycle and letting my family down.
Having become aware of these fears I have held them in mindfulness. I know that I am NOT destined to make the same choices as my parents, grandparents and great-grandparents. I will NOT have the same fate as them. I have also seen how this seed of fear has ripened in me over the years mentally and physically as anxiety and tension. I have also begun to transform this fear.
The word fear can so easily become the word ear, by only dropping the f from it. This ear is the ear of deep listening. Deep listening to my mind and body.
A lotus to you, a Buddha to be,
Sam
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